Come the day

when i will leave

at my pride

you will
be

empty skies and a butterfly's wings beat silent like air.

i'll meet you there.

I'm on a path I dont understand

will you help me?

just got home

... about an hour ago
from work.

took a shower and now i am in bed
finally getting ready to sleep

first stop tomorrow
or shall i say
THIS morning

Lancaster.


who ever said being an investigator is easy
fuckin needs to be shot and dragged into the middle of the street

crazy calls
from crazy people
for crazy social workers
on crazy streets
at crazy hours

: calamity .

song in my head

thanks to ha-son.

i want to go back home so bad.

if only there was a way to survive out there while attending my dream school.

harlem please wait for me.
*sigh*

daily mantra

just be

Your visions...

will only become clear when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakens.

Night Flower

Lately--
I have been contemplating as to whether or not I should get back in touch with my Wiccan roots. My final answer is: I think I just may, as the universe has provided me with numerous messages regarding the topic. My daughter and I shall be attending the Harvest Festival, where I will begin to teach her how to understand the light of our universe. Teachings, consisiting of a continuous hybridity between my Wiccan roots(celtic side - Irish) and my N8V NDN roots(indigenous -Apache/Aztec) shall be the lessons brought forth in my child's life. The goal is to expose my starchild to the teachings I was once taught at her age, regarding the beautiful yet destructive laws of nature and co-existion.

this shall be exciting.

memories

of new york in early 2000.
miss the city.

the song
is
another
story.

eak!

our purpose for tomorrow

a person cannot say that they have no intent with another,
yet still request the other's presence.

the reason for a continuous meeting is the intent itself;
if no intent were the case,
all would cease.

good night.

-jenn

i need the sun in africa

7/9/10
12am
suicide attempt number one
no presenting symptoms
but no guarantee of waking up in the future
mandate: 8am mental health evaluation

come home
a phone call that wasnt supposed to happen
music, love, spirituality

shower

phone call no.2
continuation
2am
sleep

eyes awaken
7am
main/70th streets
los angeles

undiscovered anal penetration
revealed oral copulations
rubbing bodies
a scared 4 year old who loves mcdonalds and horses has been saved

forensic medical evaluation is scheduled
july 22

[interlude]
abortion
murdered children v. saved children v. stolen children
three
dove cries in the trees to remind the world
remembering mother

10am
battered women
infidelity
fists
kicks
phone destructions
homes unpaid
black eyes
bruised chest, legs, arms
an extra forehead was also created
lapd - newton
City attorney transfers to DA
Misdemeanor to Felony
locating perpetrator
unknown addresses
Fontana?
my responsibility

detention number one
dependency court
detention number two
criminal court

next week's fate?
jail

court report for father
possibly mother

12pm

neighbors with drugs
attempted manipulations
to sell cocaine
"I'll pay you $5,000 to transport"
no thank you
vandalism retributions

unmarked van follows every step
yellow
to the market
to the school
license plate unknown
fear

corrections grant possible peace of mind
referrals to housing
crigslist?
hacla?
westside rentals?
$540
which one will they choose?

[interlude II]
thought in the back of my mind:
captured rapists
uncaptured rapists

empty skies
waiting for my unknown

convictions of PC 261
which spoke my name
and lifted pride
silent like air

paralyzed

2pm
suicide attempt number two

"i want to die. maybe i dont want to be here anymore. i want to die right now. i am alone."

prior hospitalizations.

calling Department of Mental Health Psychiatric Evaluation Team (PET)
message telling me to wait
message telling me to wait
message telling me to wait
ring
ring
ring
ring

10 min later
i hang up and call again
do this times 5 times in a row

[note to self: if you ever want to kill yrself. just do it. dont attempt to get help because the frustration itself will pull the trigger-- despite the presence of ideation.]

they finally answer
recommendations: call law enforcement

calling 911
street not in jurisdiction (i know its bullshit)
transfer to inglewood pd
"this is not in our area. hang up and call again."
911
hang up
back on same line
fuck this shit

search online
directly calling LASD- Sheriff

LE responds
PET responds

no qualifications for juv equivalent 5150
dmh
lasd

she is set free.

5pm
compton home 1
smile
broken backs for putting hairspray on your hair
careful ladies!

compton home 2
down the street
new tattoo
new crib
toys toys toys
and 4 broken phones
conversations on love and immigration
poverty's continous oppression
kindness returned the phone call
provided peace of mind
government time used wisely
"the city of compton thanks you"

despedidas

next stop
inglewood
crazy family interludes
this time it's personal
girl in conversation with 3 males
hypersexuality
no shame in repeatedly opened legs
flapping like butterfly wings
transfering dusts infected with chlamydia, gonorrhea, hiv
death

methamphetamine addiction
kidnapped children
court order
warrants
shared stories of memories in county jail
questionable arrests
injustice

... and off they go
to fuck bitches

the dust will continue to spread

depart

10pm
shall i rumba in the room
citywalk
cousins party?
shall i attend mal's
*throws up the double yew*
crazy coworkers?


sleepiness hits

the day's answer?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

mea culpa

This body holding me
Reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment
Remember we are eternal
All this pain is an illusion.