ality - re

so i have realized that my eyes were closed shut for a few days
as i was lost in the way of the world
sometimes its so hard to drown in the multiple exchanges of energy
especially when there are so many forces affecting you
and you are not thinking clearly
as yr frame of mind is posessed by chemicals that cloud true judgement

i kind of feel like i am on the recovery spectrum
you know that chart that is utilized when understanding addiction and treatment
up
down
up
down

this weekend was my relapse

and right before i was about to lose it today
the universe called on me with a friendly reminder as to who and why i am here
what my message is to others
and what i need to represent

galactic beingness

sometimes it is so difficult though
i will not lie
to manage the ying and yang
which makes me - ME!
there are so many complexities
and interruptions
and failed recognitions

its like i am managing traffic in outerspace
where everything is out of control
despite laws that are in place

but i guess that is the test of life
yet once again
all to bring enlightenment

i was asked today
how i have managed to handle so much
there was a spotlight aiming directly at the foundation of my resilience

that which boggles the mind
boggles the soul

those who chose to recognize these binary existences
will understand the answer i provide
those who fail
must look within themselves
as they need to realign

we must not dwell
is what i said
personally
all i can do is handle this the way i have handled everything in life
not looking back in a manner where i will sustain negativity
rather
looking back with the intent to gain knowledge
to understand
and try once again
to regulate all the craziness around me

though my initial human instinct is telling me to be angry at those that have interferred in my life
i must rise above that
and forgive
as i cannot expect everyone to be evolved
or emotionally intelligent to the point of common sense

i understand people's alterior motives
and i see their malicious intent
all hidden in their actions
sometimes these things are not something that one can overtly see
but once analyzed
the underlying message is found

but when i really think about it
and apply it to my way of life
i say-- who am i to impose justice when i am no one but a mere seeker of truth


as i always say: everything in life shall be revealed. no wrong doing will go unpaid.

so for now, i will continue to function as i have been
questioning hearts, minds, and souls, as a way to ease my curiosities,
but i will not impose retribution, neither mental or emotional--
the universe will handle that in due time.

so whether i open myself to others, and people dont reciprocate, or whether i see evil intent in another to destroy or excert jealousies or even worse-- displaying an elevated sense of being-- it will all be acknolwedged, if need be, and it will be let go......... down into the stream that carries darkness away. i have done all that i can do in being honest and genuine with what it is i see and feel. if individuals do not want to appreciate that-- then out of my life they will go, as i have no place for narcissistic tendencies. though i will forgive and not hold anything against the individual, i just will chose to not sustain a draining relationship. i just hope that those around me realize their actions before it gets to this point.

therefore,

the continued mission: to be completely in light.
i will accept the errors as lessons
and move forward with great anticipation
knowing that love and peace await.

this shall be my daily exersise.

letter to an unmet soulmate

I
am

searching for my soul within tonal patterns that vibrate the tympanic membranes hidden between places that hold visions of non-consensual, yet fulfilled catastrophes.

As illogical beats echo with steady reciprocity through this unowned heart-led dome of depleted affectivity,
I realize
that all I need is time--

time for feelings to consume,
overwhelm,
and lead me to those multiple missing moments
where seconds get lost in pleasurable, intrinsically created joys that could only be shared dyadically
by two souls who yearn to be in light.

I feel

that although
I may have found my reflection in your being,
and despite that
i understand
the language your broken heart speaks,
our deciphering must be taken with great caution
as what may appear to be an infinite reality
can instead find itself to become evanescent,
much like the illuminations that stem from the sky--
transformations
of invisible radiations
setting forth to unequivocally harm you
and me
deep into the very core
of our existence.

Yes,
I have heard the warnings.

Yes,
I have walked the trail of darkness left by deception

I have even felt the wrath of unconscious battles
that often unbalance the state of living

but at this point-
I don’t care

all that I know is that
I
need
to
feel

… with you.

There’s too much confusion,
fear,
passion,
and love

to remain in void


should we be scared

let the wind
remind us
of the uncertainties that tomorrow brings

where unexpected deaths of roses
bloom fragrant
existences
reminiscent
of stellar creations;

in the meantime,
let us attempt to
permeate

in heartbeats
that
contemporaneously fear
in-advance betrayals from vagabond trespassers.

we will achieve
and not just facades
or chemical secretions
within limbic planes

but uncontaminated felicity
sterilized by time.

patience is remedy

until then
I will anxiously await
for your beginning
at the end
of your
sorrows relinquishment

waiting for the ability
to grasp your breath
with what beats inside of me

as it is only then
that I will know
I am awake
...
it is only then
that you will know
we are alive

as one.

___written by: jenn (me)___

murder she wrote

research states,
that in order for one to truly get through all the bullshit
life throws at you
all that is needed
is a stable force

... just one.

i base my resiliency on harmonic frequencies.
if ever i were to announce my soulmate
it would clearly be
music.

mutha
fuck
everyone
and
everything else

as
melody
is the only thing
i trust
when i am falling.




(note: wish i could disappear to michigan right about now)