MMXI

"To be sane in a mad time
is bad for the brain, worse
for the heart."

~Wendell Berry

my next home

... will be an earth ship.

6 afraid of 7

cuz 7 8 9
im about to lose it
the 2nd time.

I am the pack leader.

lucy in the sky with diamonds

alas,

the class of psychedelics has been been touched by the medical community, specifically at Harbor UCLA. albert hofman, the founder of LSD, once stated that he developed the drug to help one find themselves; however, if it is misused, it can kill you.

...so, is this an agent of healing
or destruction?

the answer: both.

oceanic boundlessness is created when one feels at peace during use. the frontal part of our brain (f. cortex - which regulates our sense of self) functions, while the rational side (amygdala) shuts down-- causing a sense of personal euphoria.

i feel that as long as use serves a medical/spiritual purpose AND the individual is being supervised, especially since the amygdala is in non-use... then i am okay with it. hallucinogens are no joke, and when you throw the ability to reason out of the equation-- uh yea, that is when all hell breaks loose, as it can create an unsafe enviornment.

all in all, i am happy that our creator's chemical compounds/properties are being explored for it's uses... and overall, i support anything that will make this world a better place for those who are in need.

=)

she will love you like a fly will never love you .... again.

nice to know
that this song reminds someone of me

a beautiful disaster, indeed.


"Love is like a sin,
my love,
for the one
that
feels it
the most."

Scientists have only begun to understand the genes of humankind.

[Note: Image taken on my phone 12/22/10]

friendship is

... born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What? you, too?'

Latest Project

Aaron Brothers - Distressed Ink from Aaron Brothers on Vimeo.

What does your soul look like?

from my vault.

... and i don't think about you anymore.

True Story

I just heard this right now.

... so this guy's wife was freaking out because the b t k killer was on the loose.
she shared w/her husband just how terrified she was of this killer.
her husband was supportive and told her to simply lock all the doors.
the husband reassured her that she would be okay and that nothing was going to happen.
the husband was sure, but only because HE himself was the b t k killer and he knew he wasnt going to kill her

(btw, b t k didnt kill people he knew)

if only she knew what was REALLY goin on.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!

Wise words from a madwoman

"Pain blossoms the soul."

"Unclench yr fists and fight with yr brain, heart, and soul instead."
- Mo

i love her <3
thank you MO for yr motivation!

Her name...

Soleil Cassiopeia Arellano

Her dad...
can choke on dehydrated dog shit for all I care.

This,
ladies and gentlemen
concludes my rant of the day.

=)

i heart

...sea birds, whales, dolphins, bears, foxes, wolves, hippos, fishies, ants, stegosaurus, mutherfucking pterodactyls and so forth
(this list is to be completed at a later time).

I heart all you magnificent creatures from far and wide.

i appreciate you animals and animal spirits!!!!!!!!!!!

something strange.

no rearrange.

You are the dream

... dreamed by the dreamer.

your life is
the dream.

i hate...

having carpal tunnel.

fml.

meet me in montauk

memories of new york
that i wish
would no longer have a response

carved hearts in snow
extended tongues in frosted air
bookstore kidnapping
firefly watchings
penn station naps
awakened by northern rides on the train
boca chica
village intoxications
light analyzations
hotel rentals
and lost walks through the park that was central

... but who stole the copper from the basement?


i will it all away

as
i
d i s a p p e a r

into

nothing



the new answer: yes.

how we see what we see affects the quality of our reality

we are children of the sky

dna
descendents of our ancestry
physical spirit
bone
flesh
blood

we are in time
in space,
but we are from beyond.

the past and the present are interwoven

we are earth
moon
stars
planets

creator created creation
...intelligence

being is power.

we are part of those memories of evolution

but how do we evolve
in negativity
confusion
darkness

how do we evolve
when we want to love
but cant

how do we transcend
when we are binded
by ties of selfishness
and lack of support

who is to suffer
but
us

2 innocent souls
sometimes 3

... things are not always as easy as they seem.

malice aforethought

i feel sorry for those who live in a world without truth...
a world without consequences.

sometimes we were meant to fly

cant stop the god's from engineering.

I < 3 ...

drum
and bass


forever.



i miss battling.
i think i shall be the only girl to kick ass UK style this thursday... once again.
good times

oh life...

you bastard.

two sided time

you will never belong to me
because

i dont
want

you.

i will not ever be sorry

... again.



in a few hours
my whole life will change
and
if all goes well
the sacrifice of hiding in a lie
will cease
to
exist.

i have a scar i can talk about

...and so I cry
the light is white

and
I
see
you

i'm alive.

another day

so today is my favorite holiday out of the whole year
it was spent quite lovely
sleeping
eating pumpkin seeds
pumpkin cheesecake
candy
analyzing paranormal activities in my home
and watching shows on metaphysics

i wish everyday was halloween

i am no earthling

i drink moonshine on mars
and mistake meteors for stars
cause i can't hold my liquor.

dont mistake my fucking kindness for weakness

i am starting to see a pattern here

when one is nice
and is willing to work through shit
the other takes advantage
and
beats down the individual who is kind
patient
caring
warm
supportive
available
consistent &
loving

...........


please make a mental note:
if you EVER do that to shit to me
your beatings
yea
they may last a bit
cuz im a good person
and i will always initially refuse to see you as evil
as i like to give people the benefit of the doubt
and i respect that people are entitled to have their days of shit
(its the compassionate, social work side of me)
but just know
that eventually
as the truth sets in
and i start to realize that you really are
in fact
a fucking cunt hoe skeezer
you will be dropped like the piece of shit that you are
and i DO NOT care if you come crawling like a little bitch

your ass will be not be dealt with on any level

the cold bitch in me
will instantly grace yr fucking soul
with nothing but pity
and you will be forever viewed as a joke

be advised that you will have no one to thank
but yrself
for a job
well fucking
done
if this occurs
so i dont wanna hear shit come out of yr mouth

therefore,
please
please
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE
think twice about double crossing me
cuz it WILL blow up in yr face
mark my word

you have been warned

that's all folx.

and so he said i wasn't a loser..... BLAH!

denial

love me
love me

say that you love me.

fool me
fool me

go on and fool me.

bee live in love

i have a love hate relationship with bees.
although they scare the shit out of me
i still love and appreciate them
for without the bee cluster
we would all die

literally

they say,
if all the bees in the world were to disappear
it would take 4 years for humans to starve to death

which makes me wonder...

who is making them disappear?
who wants them to stop pollenating our crops?

someone please clarify this for me.

ality - re

so i have realized that my eyes were closed shut for a few days
as i was lost in the way of the world
sometimes its so hard to drown in the multiple exchanges of energy
especially when there are so many forces affecting you
and you are not thinking clearly
as yr frame of mind is posessed by chemicals that cloud true judgement

i kind of feel like i am on the recovery spectrum
you know that chart that is utilized when understanding addiction and treatment
up
down
up
down

this weekend was my relapse

and right before i was about to lose it today
the universe called on me with a friendly reminder as to who and why i am here
what my message is to others
and what i need to represent

galactic beingness

sometimes it is so difficult though
i will not lie
to manage the ying and yang
which makes me - ME!
there are so many complexities
and interruptions
and failed recognitions

its like i am managing traffic in outerspace
where everything is out of control
despite laws that are in place

but i guess that is the test of life
yet once again
all to bring enlightenment

i was asked today
how i have managed to handle so much
there was a spotlight aiming directly at the foundation of my resilience

that which boggles the mind
boggles the soul

those who chose to recognize these binary existences
will understand the answer i provide
those who fail
must look within themselves
as they need to realign

we must not dwell
is what i said
personally
all i can do is handle this the way i have handled everything in life
not looking back in a manner where i will sustain negativity
rather
looking back with the intent to gain knowledge
to understand
and try once again
to regulate all the craziness around me

though my initial human instinct is telling me to be angry at those that have interferred in my life
i must rise above that
and forgive
as i cannot expect everyone to be evolved
or emotionally intelligent to the point of common sense

i understand people's alterior motives
and i see their malicious intent
all hidden in their actions
sometimes these things are not something that one can overtly see
but once analyzed
the underlying message is found

but when i really think about it
and apply it to my way of life
i say-- who am i to impose justice when i am no one but a mere seeker of truth


as i always say: everything in life shall be revealed. no wrong doing will go unpaid.

so for now, i will continue to function as i have been
questioning hearts, minds, and souls, as a way to ease my curiosities,
but i will not impose retribution, neither mental or emotional--
the universe will handle that in due time.

so whether i open myself to others, and people dont reciprocate, or whether i see evil intent in another to destroy or excert jealousies or even worse-- displaying an elevated sense of being-- it will all be acknolwedged, if need be, and it will be let go......... down into the stream that carries darkness away. i have done all that i can do in being honest and genuine with what it is i see and feel. if individuals do not want to appreciate that-- then out of my life they will go, as i have no place for narcissistic tendencies. though i will forgive and not hold anything against the individual, i just will chose to not sustain a draining relationship. i just hope that those around me realize their actions before it gets to this point.

therefore,

the continued mission: to be completely in light.
i will accept the errors as lessons
and move forward with great anticipation
knowing that love and peace await.

this shall be my daily exersise.

letter to an unmet soulmate

I
am

searching for my soul within tonal patterns that vibrate the tympanic membranes hidden between places that hold visions of non-consensual, yet fulfilled catastrophes.

As illogical beats echo with steady reciprocity through this unowned heart-led dome of depleted affectivity,
I realize
that all I need is time--

time for feelings to consume,
overwhelm,
and lead me to those multiple missing moments
where seconds get lost in pleasurable, intrinsically created joys that could only be shared dyadically
by two souls who yearn to be in light.

I feel

that although
I may have found my reflection in your being,
and despite that
i understand
the language your broken heart speaks,
our deciphering must be taken with great caution
as what may appear to be an infinite reality
can instead find itself to become evanescent,
much like the illuminations that stem from the sky--
transformations
of invisible radiations
setting forth to unequivocally harm you
and me
deep into the very core
of our existence.

Yes,
I have heard the warnings.

Yes,
I have walked the trail of darkness left by deception

I have even felt the wrath of unconscious battles
that often unbalance the state of living

but at this point-
I don’t care

all that I know is that
I
need
to
feel

… with you.

There’s too much confusion,
fear,
passion,
and love

to remain in void


should we be scared

let the wind
remind us
of the uncertainties that tomorrow brings

where unexpected deaths of roses
bloom fragrant
existences
reminiscent
of stellar creations;

in the meantime,
let us attempt to
permeate

in heartbeats
that
contemporaneously fear
in-advance betrayals from vagabond trespassers.

we will achieve
and not just facades
or chemical secretions
within limbic planes

but uncontaminated felicity
sterilized by time.

patience is remedy

until then
I will anxiously await
for your beginning
at the end
of your
sorrows relinquishment

waiting for the ability
to grasp your breath
with what beats inside of me

as it is only then
that I will know
I am awake
...
it is only then
that you will know
we are alive

as one.

___written by: jenn (me)___

murder she wrote

research states,
that in order for one to truly get through all the bullshit
life throws at you
all that is needed
is a stable force

... just one.

i base my resiliency on harmonic frequencies.
if ever i were to announce my soulmate
it would clearly be
music.

mutha
fuck
everyone
and
everything else

as
melody
is the only thing
i trust
when i am falling.




(note: wish i could disappear to michigan right about now)

Come the day

when i will leave

at my pride

you will
be

empty skies and a butterfly's wings beat silent like air.

i'll meet you there.

I'm on a path I dont understand

will you help me?

just got home

... about an hour ago
from work.

took a shower and now i am in bed
finally getting ready to sleep

first stop tomorrow
or shall i say
THIS morning

Lancaster.


who ever said being an investigator is easy
fuckin needs to be shot and dragged into the middle of the street

crazy calls
from crazy people
for crazy social workers
on crazy streets
at crazy hours

: calamity .

song in my head

thanks to ha-son.

i want to go back home so bad.

if only there was a way to survive out there while attending my dream school.

harlem please wait for me.
*sigh*

daily mantra

just be

Your visions...

will only become clear when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakens.

Night Flower

Lately--
I have been contemplating as to whether or not I should get back in touch with my Wiccan roots. My final answer is: I think I just may, as the universe has provided me with numerous messages regarding the topic. My daughter and I shall be attending the Harvest Festival, where I will begin to teach her how to understand the light of our universe. Teachings, consisiting of a continuous hybridity between my Wiccan roots(celtic side - Irish) and my N8V NDN roots(indigenous -Apache/Aztec) shall be the lessons brought forth in my child's life. The goal is to expose my starchild to the teachings I was once taught at her age, regarding the beautiful yet destructive laws of nature and co-existion.

this shall be exciting.

memories

of new york in early 2000.
miss the city.

the song
is
another
story.

eak!

our purpose for tomorrow

a person cannot say that they have no intent with another,
yet still request the other's presence.

the reason for a continuous meeting is the intent itself;
if no intent were the case,
all would cease.

good night.

-jenn

i need the sun in africa

7/9/10
12am
suicide attempt number one
no presenting symptoms
but no guarantee of waking up in the future
mandate: 8am mental health evaluation

come home
a phone call that wasnt supposed to happen
music, love, spirituality

shower

phone call no.2
continuation
2am
sleep

eyes awaken
7am
main/70th streets
los angeles

undiscovered anal penetration
revealed oral copulations
rubbing bodies
a scared 4 year old who loves mcdonalds and horses has been saved

forensic medical evaluation is scheduled
july 22

[interlude]
abortion
murdered children v. saved children v. stolen children
three
dove cries in the trees to remind the world
remembering mother

10am
battered women
infidelity
fists
kicks
phone destructions
homes unpaid
black eyes
bruised chest, legs, arms
an extra forehead was also created
lapd - newton
City attorney transfers to DA
Misdemeanor to Felony
locating perpetrator
unknown addresses
Fontana?
my responsibility

detention number one
dependency court
detention number two
criminal court

next week's fate?
jail

court report for father
possibly mother

12pm

neighbors with drugs
attempted manipulations
to sell cocaine
"I'll pay you $5,000 to transport"
no thank you
vandalism retributions

unmarked van follows every step
yellow
to the market
to the school
license plate unknown
fear

corrections grant possible peace of mind
referrals to housing
crigslist?
hacla?
westside rentals?
$540
which one will they choose?

[interlude II]
thought in the back of my mind:
captured rapists
uncaptured rapists

empty skies
waiting for my unknown

convictions of PC 261
which spoke my name
and lifted pride
silent like air

paralyzed

2pm
suicide attempt number two

"i want to die. maybe i dont want to be here anymore. i want to die right now. i am alone."

prior hospitalizations.

calling Department of Mental Health Psychiatric Evaluation Team (PET)
message telling me to wait
message telling me to wait
message telling me to wait
ring
ring
ring
ring

10 min later
i hang up and call again
do this times 5 times in a row

[note to self: if you ever want to kill yrself. just do it. dont attempt to get help because the frustration itself will pull the trigger-- despite the presence of ideation.]

they finally answer
recommendations: call law enforcement

calling 911
street not in jurisdiction (i know its bullshit)
transfer to inglewood pd
"this is not in our area. hang up and call again."
911
hang up
back on same line
fuck this shit

search online
directly calling LASD- Sheriff

LE responds
PET responds

no qualifications for juv equivalent 5150
dmh
lasd

she is set free.

5pm
compton home 1
smile
broken backs for putting hairspray on your hair
careful ladies!

compton home 2
down the street
new tattoo
new crib
toys toys toys
and 4 broken phones
conversations on love and immigration
poverty's continous oppression
kindness returned the phone call
provided peace of mind
government time used wisely
"the city of compton thanks you"

despedidas

next stop
inglewood
crazy family interludes
this time it's personal
girl in conversation with 3 males
hypersexuality
no shame in repeatedly opened legs
flapping like butterfly wings
transfering dusts infected with chlamydia, gonorrhea, hiv
death

methamphetamine addiction
kidnapped children
court order
warrants
shared stories of memories in county jail
questionable arrests
injustice

... and off they go
to fuck bitches

the dust will continue to spread

depart

10pm
shall i rumba in the room
citywalk
cousins party?
shall i attend mal's
*throws up the double yew*
crazy coworkers?


sleepiness hits

the day's answer?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

mea culpa

This body holding me
Reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment
Remember we are eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

a truthful contradiction

you must be smart,
to play dumb.

Today...

I will bond with others, knowing that the other is myself in disguise;
As light and shadow are the dance of love.

intrapsychic quest I am currently embarking on

"I died as a mineral and became a plant.
I died as plant and rose to animal.
I died as animal and I was Man.
Why should I fear? When was I less by dying?
Yet once more I shall die as Man, to soar
With angels bless'd; but even from angelhood
I must pass on: all except God does perish.
When I have sacrificed my angel-soul,
I shall become what no mind ever conceived.
Oh, let me not exist! for non-existence
proclaims in organ tones,
to him we shall return."
~Rumi

261

bodies taken in silence
manipulated penetrations
followed by
unconscious barriers
that facilitate
voices unheard

it was
just you and i
alone

reflected
in distortions of power
and impulsivity
all of which
tore through
me

i expected
what was dictated
i respected
what was protected

but i was pushed
into the darkness
with the only sight available
to my senses
being
a shadow
of swirling stars
dancing
as the saturday
that was once a friday
unbuckled the belt
which ignored my premeditated cries

yanked pants
as dark as the sky
and my closed eyes

were taken

until my scream
awoke
yr selfish desires

facilitating the
apologies
faults
fears that
enveloped your mind
and the downgrading of bloody occurances.

i wish that i could tell you
him
her
they
we

so yr secret
yr denial
could no longer be

but the battle of versus
will overide
justice

i stare at the window
expecting
a breath
granted only by a sunrise of
forgotten traumas
embedded within the
intrapsychic

but i know
that it will fail
just as the internal peace
i held within me
has ceased to exist.

-jenn

....................

food for thought

A man is taken to hell and witnesses a scene where the sinners are sat around an enormous table served with delicious, appetizing dishes. They are only allowed to eat the food with chopsticks that are two feet long, so the sinners are forever hungry, as it is impossible to eat with chopsticks that long. The man is then taken to heaven, where he witnesses the exact same scene. The table in heaven is also full tasty food and the pure souls, too, have only the gigantic chopsticks to consume the food; yet, they are always full.

The reason they are satiated is because they are feeding each other.

what is left to give?

...when you gave away, the love i gave.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

childhood depression

A man can tell a thousand lies; I've learned my lesson well, hope I live to tell the secret I knew then-- til then, it will burn inside of me.

a speculated change of venue

social worker = void
physicist = enabled

i am beginning to see the politics behind a structure that is supposed to be lead by compassion and heart felt duty. a mutual facilitation towards familial equillibrium is supposed to be the goal- not a financial oriented motivator that is built and enforced based upon time constraints.

i would much rather deal with the laws of physics, than laws based on inequality and injustice.

*sigh*

i will continue to seep through the negativity for as much as i can, but i only have so much tolerance for bullshit.

i am requesting a peace conference.

wish me luck.

mood food

as i sit here eating my green tea mochi, i ponder about the socio-biological cycle our bodies go through on a daily basis.

provocation of this thought began a few minutes ago, when i was eating tapatio sauce with chips. as most know, i am a big fan of "food surfing," a term my professor's sister made up, which refers to eating hot chile with food.

so, i was eating, woopty woo, when i began to think of my physiological responses to eating the spicy jalapeno: 1) i eat the chile, 2) the chile then burns my tounge, 3) my body feels the pain, 4) my nervous system responds to the pain, and then 5) norepinephrine secretions are made, which then results in the secretions of endorphins.

although, my mood felt good after eating the chile, the pain still lingered, so, of course i went into the fridge to get something cold to ease the burning sensation. i began eating my mochi (japanese ice cream), and the pain went away.

this was interesting because it confirmed the previous cycle- 1) a social force (jalapeno - hot) negatively affected the external biological structure (tounge), which then affected internal biological structures (nervous system-neurological systems- pain responses)-- then a social force was later introduced (ice cream - cold), which positively affected the outer biological structure (tounge), which then created an even greater positive neurological response, since now there is an introduction of dopamine, due to the sweets.

thus, a socio-neurobiological equillibrium has been created.

my brain is craving additional dopamine secretions as i type: "get more sugar" it tells me.

its funny how our bodies respond, cope and function within an enviornmental setting.

its a continuous cycle- we bang ourselves in the head with something, our body chemically responds, we provide external responses to the injured site (i.e. rubbing, ice, etc), our body responds- chemically once again, and then we feel better.

i wonder-
would eating jalapenos, while high off of a dopamine inducing drug, facilitate and increase a positive mood? I mean, you have the endorphins going, and then the added dopamine.

hmmmmm....

although, i do prefer the alternative
- eating jalapenos in conjunction with delicious food, and then easing the pain with sweets (preferrably- chocolate ice cream or cold soda)

... the nerd in me, cant help but to ask.

gotta love them enviornmental based endorphine-dopamine secretions.

this concludes my random thought of the day.

Ozzie

You.... suck.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

why are you in my computer right now?
technology is a trip.

...and yr probably not reading this as i type because you are a nerd news junkie.
yep.
see.
i knew it

fawkin Dawson.

oh lord.
its double confirmed.
yr a lame
and the fact that yr in my puter and yr not seeing me type this shit LIVE
triple confirms that shit.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

i want...

to departiclize my brain.

d i s a p p e a r a n c e
once upon a rainbow
(sigh)

.........................

chalk eating anyone?
laundry detergent?

Luminol.

There was blood, but no body.

... that was the theme for today.

sometimes i feel that people need to understand the concept of circumstantial evidence a bit better, so that they may apply it to their every day lives-
to avoid misconceptions that is.

in other words,
a common man's perception
of absence,
is not always indicative of complete validity,
as truth
does not equate
within all eyes.


one should dig deeper to find answers, before they point their fingers.

M.D.M.A.

is equivalent to a year of couples therapy within a 6 hour period.
it was also used to generate emphathy.

but is it really worth the s e r a t o n i n f l o o d i n g s?
(aka. suicide tuesdays)

my advice: preserve yr dopamine.



~One man's schizophrenia is another man's enlightenment. What is your prescription for happiness?~