i want to throw it out of the window

"i'm not prepared
i just want
to get out of here
where am i?
why cant i
just get it together?
fuck it
wheres my shit
oh my god
im out of it"



the best advice given to me today:
out with the old
in with the new
!!!!!!!


let the pab regulations begin.

no mud: no lotus

proof that beauty is capable of stemming from darkness and dirt.



[image taken by me]

n o s t a l g i a

[image taken by me - 9/2/11 - corona del mar]

in a perfect world...

i'd be with my old man
i could just watch him for a lifetime.

*le sigh*


looks like i'll be stuck with a never-ending heart attack

God is gonna see us through

.............

Om

Namah Shivaya.

Antereograde Amnesia

fuck you

and your pathetic lies about this
and that

rambling on and on
about how
what you feel for me is something rare

rare rare rare

bullshit!


a piece of glass on the street
ran over by the burned tires of an exhausted memory
is what beats inside this drained soul of mine

repetitive songs
of holding hands and kissings under the starlight that once so ecstatically shivered
is what is left

but much like its twinkle

it is all a facade
as the Earth's turbulence
trickles the light
making a beautiful scenery of what is not true

counterfeit
are the words that once came out of your empty heart

you say but one thing
only to turn around and do another
finding happiness
in the arms of others

between their legs
you curse me

forget me

trample
me
like teardrops do
when they fall from the core of my existence

but don't mind me
by all means

continue

... if you must

m e l t
with your lust
e n t e r it
with orgasmic emotions

just r e m e m b e r

a few seconds is all it will last you
and then
you are left with nothing

and don't think
that i will be here

when she spits you out
leaving only her fluids on yr body
after a long night of what you say never happened

for i will be
gone
farther than the ages that are dark

e m p t i n e s s
is what you will find when you search for me
wake up
and reach for me

the universe may be vast
but a speckle of my love will cease
to exist

my image will no longer burn yr eyes
my scent will no longer linger
within olfactory epitheliums

it is anosmia

a deficient sound
entwined within a touch
that has already melted

disappearance

and a lost time
that will blind me
from you

forever.



[Written by Me - Circa 2002]

washing yr conscious off yr skin

... will not erase the wounds of yr demise.

dying in slow motion

i can use a new scar
... find a new star.


[image by me: new york circa 2006]

5000

Someone asked me today:
"What is the best relationship advice you have ever received?"

My answer:
"Leave"

=)

Enough
said.

I *HEART* Trees

"Most of us are so accustomed to seeing trees that we take them for granted. Often we forget they are fundamental to our life on Earth: they act as our planet's lungs, absorbing carbon dioxide and returning to us life-giving oxygen. Trees provide us with food, raw materials for our homes, heating, shade in the summer, warmth in winter — and they beautify our environments year-round. Trees are allies and a continuous reminder of the richness and power that the living library of nature holds."

- Karen Marciniak

Dependent Originations

Today's lesson on BEING:

With all the right conditions, things will appear and exist.
If something (condition) changes,
much like a flower,
it will not have a chance to bloom (exist).

When we are born,
we don't just suddenly appear as a human being;
we evolve
because the conditions are right-
and in time
after embryogenesis (condition) is complete,
we make our official entry into this world (existence).

Therefore,
we are here--
LIFE
is here,
because of dependent originations
and because all of the conditions are right...
without these two components,
existence would not be.

it is impossible.

...........

i crave you

Flight Facilities - Crave You (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix) by Adventure Club Dubstep

Everyone's Playground

i know you dont need me

because

i

am

broken

*

unable to function

i try
living in the lie
that is truth

i ask
someone to help me breathe
but i get scolded by the asphyxia
that dreams within your veins

i smile
and force the belief
that counterclockwise tomorrows
do not fall from my eyes

but the fixed line
becomes cracked

again

only misleading me to understand
that
imperfection strays
while the flawless remains

yet
i am still here

split between the imaginary doorway of a whispering evaporation

seeking refuge

in a field of awakened sleep

slowly
living
death
eternally.


[Poem by Me -- Jeannete -- Circa 2008]

My body is the garden of my soul.

it has been confirmed

yet again

that
an alien soul inhabits my body.

i can breathe now.

Pluto

... apparently this lovely stellar entity is in my fourth house
oh, and Saturn has made it's return.

that was the lesson for the day


Sometimes horrible things happen in order for beautifulness to arise. ~ Me

in/sanity

Hello, my name is Jenn, and I am a runaway bride.

It is always good to keep in mind those lessons that we have learned the hard way.

In this case, a lesson came to me twice in the past, of which the Universe dictated: Individuals are not static.

My Buddhist lesson last week, also asked that we reflect on ourselves, whenever we are experiencing conflict.

Keeping in mind that individuals and situations are constantly open for change, in conjunction with my Buddhist reflection- I have chosen to respect my partner's happiness, and freedom, just as much as I respect and am entitled to that of my own.

I made a promise to myself, when it comes to dating and relationships: The instant I sense shadiness, drama, or feel that the other is approaching me with games-- the tie between us both will automatically be cut. I am a no nonsense female, and I refuse to tolerate inappropriate behaviors or undergo unnecessary stress. I always advise my partners of the fine print, especially the part that says: "If you disrespect me in any way-- I am out, with no explanations... and your existence will cease from my memory."

It is unfortunate, that I have to invoke, what I call, The Discretionary Advisement; however, the number of red flags has exceeded the limit (1). I forgive my partner, for what he has done (although, I don't feel comprehends the consequences of his actions), but I understand the psychology behind it, specifically, the fact that narcissism indicates a diminished self worth, which then, subconsciously causes individuals to behave inappropriately. Although, I understand that his actions were not a result of negative thought forms, as what he did to me, was not created out of ill will; I still feel that it would be wrong to proceed in a life long commitment with someone who still needs to discover himself.

I also do not want to constantly engage with an individual, who will disrupt the achievement of an equilibrium state of mind. I am not asking that my partner become a mental health specialist, nor do I want to be utilizing therapeutic techniques; all I am requesting is to be with someone who will put me first, just as I put them first-- as well as having someone who will provide a lending ear, or any form of compassionate response, when needed-- just as I would do the same.

It is all about maintaining duality at it's most divine state.

I really wish my partner the best, and I hope that he realizes, at his own time of course, that he is a beautiful person beneath. I really hope that this understanding sets him free from what binds him (at this moment he believes there is clarity; however, there is much work needed), as it is only then, that he will truly acquire the mental frame of mind and existence he deserves: Utopia.

I feel very sad, that I must make the decision to part; however, this individual is not the one for me, as visions, intuition and reality have all confirmed their presence, and most importantly- their purpose.

It is also unfortunate that I must dissipate-- become evanscent without acknowledgement; however, I informed him from the very beginning, the circumstances in which it would occur-- therefore, my response, is well deserved.

I must honor what is,
and allow things to just be.


[Proceeding.]

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit
a fashion model's size
but when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.

I say,
it's in the reach of my arms
the span of my hips,
the stride of my step,
the curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
phenomenally...
phenomenal woman-
that's me.

I walk into a room
just as cool as you please,
and to a man,
the fellows stand or
fall down on their knees.
then they swarm around me,
a hive of honey bees.
I say,
it's the fire in my eyes,
and the flash of my teeth,
the swing in my waist,
and the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
phenomenally...
phenomenal woman-
that's me.

Men themselves
have wondered
what they see in me
they try so much
but they can't touch
my inner mystery.

When I try to show them
they say they still can't see.
I say,
it's in the arch of my back,
the sun of my smile,
the ride of my breasts,
the grace of my style.
I'm a woman
phenomenally...
phenomenal woman-
that's me.

Now you understand
just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing
it ought to make you proud.
I say,
it's in the click of my heels,
the bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
the need of my care,
'cause I'm a woman
phenomenally...
phenomenal woman-
that's me.

Maya Angelou

breast/

ironing.

i hate

hypomanic messes.
they are a bitch to clean up.
especially when you are having a severe depressive episode.

Quote of the day: "He smelled like old potatos."

,mjljnm,mnh

When I’m depressed my thoughts flow like the thickest honey, and I have to fish for them in my brain.

the psycho/sociopathic mind

i really didnt love you, but i'm pretty when i lie.

y g m m

i lost my mind in the forest

running towards nothing
again n
again n
again.

n2 the trees.

the truth is out there

If you didn't see it

... with your own eyes
or hear it with your own ears
don't invent it
with your small mind
and spread it with your big mouth.

Silence

first day of the year was fantastic

Interesting quote of the day: "Some women will do anything to find a husband; some women will do anything to lose one."

"dont study the roots, just pick the fruits."